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Terminal 00 Statistics.
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There have been over 4,000,000 detected page
(node) views by [unauthorized] probes, with
roughly 15.37 nodes for each unauthorized
probe.
(Average lifespan, (in “g1 time”), for each
unauthorized probe before they are
[annihilated] is: 00:06:42 The majority of
these unauthorized probes possess the
designation tag [19,21].)
Terminal 00 has no current issues.
During normal operations, there are
2.6094683089140399999999973905317e+38
gallons of blood pumping through Terminal 00’s
systems. This is the reason for Terminal 00’s
inviting and warm nature.
(And also why it tastes so good!!!)
It’s recommended that you bring (at least)
2.5 probes with you if you plan on entering
into Depth 000. (This isn’t because we need
more probes to die in there to map it out
more. That’s just a baseless rumor. So
baseless, in fact, that you probably have
never even heard of it until just now.)
U-vC is not missing.
They’re just unaccounted for.
Currently, Terminal 00 has
8,444,260,668,661,253,345,210,370 active
class [00] watchers in service. These
relatively low numbers are due to the
watchers constantly being lost. This is
on account of the class [00] watcher’s
impressive cloaking capabilities. It
takes up to 730% more resources to keep
in contact with a class [00] watcher compared
to any other class of watcher. (This
expenditure of resources would have been
fixed approximately 5 eternities ago,
but the class [00] watcher production
facility was also outfitted with
sophisticated cloaking technology, and has
been out of contact with Terminal 00
since it was brought online.)
NOTICE:
The Speaker of Terminal 00 has a reward
for the discovery of the class [00] watcher
facility. If anyone, (even a stupid little
probe!!), has information on its whereabouts,
please send the appropriate data to
“The Imaginary Coil”. The codeword to begin
data transmission on the aforementioned
subject will be: “Show me the Gate”.
There have never been any CoS threats
to Terminal 00, ever.
Also, there are no null errors.
And no eels.
Class [999999] watchers are actively removed
from Terminal 00. It seems like they’re
always in the same place because they
keep coming back, even after they’re
removed from places that they don’t belong.
You may hear Terminal 00 tell you to do
[that]. Please do not listen to Terminal
00 when it comes to [that]. This is caused
by nerrorull ernullror. The Speaker of
Terminal 00 is currently investigating.
If you listen closely, every .13830339
of an eternity, Terminal 00 entirely shudders.
You may even witness new teeth being grown.
Do not touch any of Terminal 00’s teeth.
You have been warned.
Even though there have been, to date,
7,9903 reports on a moon being within
Terminal 00, no moons exist within
Terminal 00. Not that we’re against it or
anything. I heard they taste like lightly
toasted clouds. Is that good?
It makes [me] salivate.
The Speaker of Terminal 00 is currently at
10% strength. (Maybe this is why the
Speaker is so annoyed all the time?)
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Safety Standards Information:
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Safety is very important within the Terminals.
(?) (Where did I put my legs?)
There have been so many reports of dangerous
and / or hazardous areas, that we are no
longer taking reports at this time. Instead,
please take all relevant data and concerns
to Terminal 93677000375432. Do not be alarmed
at the stacks of data sitting there. (Please
do not knock over the stacks of data.)
The rumors concerning the stacks of data being
burned every 3 hours isn’t true. There’s dust
on all data stacks to prove that we have not
been moving and / or touching the stacks.
(We do not apply the dust via the nearby dust
ducts. Also, the cloning of dust creatures
is just another rumor. We would never shred
them up and put them into the dust ducts to
pretend like the stacks were never moved.)
NOTICE:
Stop going to Terminal 93677000375432.
We are no longer taking anymore concerns.
Indeed! Safety is our number one priority!
No one is allowed to die! Here at [Safety
Standards Information], we ensure that there
are no injuries within any Terminal.
Everything is kept at 100% safeness!
(remember to keep sending probes into new
areas to gauge its danger, just keep making
more of them as they die, they’re easy to
make anyway, no use in resurrection)
Safety makes your skin glisten.
Also, it makes my heart race!
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Worm Information:
Worms are holy creatures.
No matter what method of communication you
use, worms will understand you. Even if
you make a new method of communication up,
worms will know what you mean. (And even
if you yourself don’t understand what
you’re trying to say, as always,
a holy worm will.)
As such, it’s no surprise that many
entities make pilgrimages to visit
colonies of holy worms.
Trying to become a worm, (without going
through the proper channels), will
result in immediate revocation of all
currently held permissions by the
infringing individual.
Inside of every worm, is a writhing
[packet] of hopes and dreams.
This is why worms sometimes glow.
Don’t stare at worms too long, your optical
peripheries may be forever altered.
You’ll see holy worms everywhere. They’ll
start talking to you. You won’t be able
to sleep. (No, these worms aren’t real.
But do take them seriously, and report
their appearance to any class z98
entities. They will be eliminated,
but they aren’t real.)
Those who say that the worm apparitions,
(which occur after looking at worms for
too long), are real, (even though they
most certainly, and assuredly are not
real), will be repurposed. It might kill
you. (100% of all known things that have
made these baseless claims actually died
during the process of being repurposed,
but, have no doubts, that isn’t the
purpose of repurposing.)
Worms like being pet. (Touching worms often
results in tingling, numbing sensations.)
If you offer up parts of your being to
worms for their consumption, they may grant
you access to the [special] area.
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About Bodily Resurrections:
There are no restrictions on the number of
resurrections allowed to those who have the
correct clearances.
(Terms and conditions may apply.)
It is normal to be blinded and / or slightly
more prone to acts of stupidity after being
resurrected. These symptoms will pass. Unless
they don’t. (If these symptoms persist longer
than at least within 33.3 degrees of the
cumulative predisposed actuation of
unrealized machinations relating to, but not
limited to, the entirety of aberrant ideals,
then seek [Assistance] immediately.)
Those who abuse the resurrection system are
penalized by forced labor in our
[Certified Resurrection Centers].
Please do not resurrect into bodily, or mental
harm. This may create a feedback loop, and
you will be penalized. You may even lose teeth
privileges.
[Assistance] rendered for lasting symptoms of
“resurrection burn” will not result in death.
But, if it does, you will be resurrected at
a smaller size than before, to reduce the
chances of having “resurrection burn” once
more. This procedure should not be reversed
within 4456.249 minutes of being resurrected,
otherwise, there will be terrible
consequences. (You will smell like water.
Like, really badly. Your nose may fall off.
And your chassis will certainly start to rot
from the smell alone.)
Do not attempt to resurrect [that].
There are no additional warnings.
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Doll FACTS:
Dolls are known to have soothing effects on
those in close proximity to them.
Additionally, those in close proximity to
these dolls may kill each other over whether
or not the doll is speaking to one or the
other. This is known among doll specialists
as “doll delirium”.
Dolls, on average, cost around 3,550 teeth.
If you hear your doll telling you to peel
off your own skin, do report this to your
respective [Doll Director]. They may need
their teeth replaced. Perhaps, even they
may have an infestation of unauthorized
teeth growing within them. Do not delay in
relaying your concerns to your [Doll Director].
(But if they’re telling you to peel the skin
off of someone else, don’t worry this is
completely normal behavior. You can go ahead
and carry out the doll’s commands without
any second thoughts.)
Dolls smell like stars.
We’re “legally” obligated to tell you not to
fight dolls. This is unrelated to the [undoing]
of Terminal 3209091.
(Subject [Angus Nicneven] is currently in
possession of [3] cute dolls.)
The disposition of any given doll will change
depending on how it’s treated. Putting them
in soft fabrics and showering them with
attention and / or the blood of a Terminal
will make them tend towards benevolence.
Do not allow dolls to remain without eyes
for too long.
There are, currently, over 400 different
subtypes of dolls known to the
Terminal network.
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Other Useful Facts:
You cannot escape from your fate.
Constructs are pretty big, I hear.
In every moment, there are, at least, 44
painful ends lingering about your existence.
They’re always watching you. You’re never alone.
Sometimes, probes can spontaneously cease
to exist. Actually, this one isn’t very useful,
but it’s kind of funny, right?
Eels aren’t even real. Just close your eyes.
You know it to be true, right?
If you forget what you were just about
to do, that’s because of the nullerror.
To date, there have been 7 reports of
“fingers” growing out of certain areas of
Terminal 553. These reports were all made
by [The Lying Leech]. Surprisingly, it was
revealed recently that these reports were
all fabrications, and the prospect of cute
fields of fingers growing out of the wires
in the walls were dashed.
Metal does not taste good unless cooked
thoroughly. Please, do not try to
consume it raw.
There have been no reports of
null null null null.